No idea...

I'm feeling odd right now. Like I'm not sure how I should feel really. I had a pretty good day today, mostly. Mom and I went shopping together for the first time in years. It was okay. I didn't want to, but I ended up having to go into Bon-Ton to talk to Amanda in HR. Mom and I also shopped downstairs a bit, and got dad a pair of IZOD shorts in men's. We went a few other places afterwards, and then went home. Waiting for me was a message from Allison on the answering machine. She wants me to come in at 8:00 tomorrow to do markdowns. I was initially confused by the message. Talking to Michelle yesterday it sounded like they would all be finished today. But, then again, when mom and I got the shorts Chris was all alone while Michelle was at lunch. So, maybe markdowns couldn't be done. I don't know. The thing is, when I heard the message I suddenly had a loud voice screaming, "NO!" in my head. As in, "No I don't want to go in at eight to do markdowns! I *hate* doing markdowns, and I'm *not* a morning person!" Yet, I know I'll be there tomorrow morning. Maybe not right at eight, but probably around 8:15 or so. And even as I'm writing this, I'm wondering, "Why?" I thought I had stopped caring. Weeks ago. I don't like working there, and frankly I don't understand how some people have stayed as long as they have. Sue Hosch told me today that I'm too young to be stuck there. I just nodded and answered, "Oh, I know!" So, if I've stopped caring, then why am I going in early? Why do I keep checking fitting rooms, asking people to open charges, and in general doing what I'm told? Yes, it's hard to say "no" to Allison, but I had the message on the answering machine. I could have said the machine was broken and I didn't get it. Yet, in the split second that thought entered my mind, I pushed it away. I'm not going to lie to her. I hate lying to people. I just feel so trapped. Like I'm never going to get out. And it's ridiculous! I have no reason to feel that way. I've put in grad school applications, and regardless of whether they accept me, I'm giving my two weeks in June. It's not like I'm just *hoping* to escape; I'm actively working towards that goal. Also, I've seen tons of other people leave, mostly by choice, occaisionally not. So, it's not like it's impossible to get out. I know this! So why do I feel so trapped? Like it'll always be, "Just hang in there a *little* longer..."? I guess I'm still trying to understand what happened. There was a time when I liked my job. I wasn't thrilled with it, but I would go in and leave smiling. I'd come in and shop on my day off. Now, if I can help it, I don't set foot *near* that place on my day off! If Allison asked me to come in early, I wasn't happy, but I would do it, and never once think about lying to her or yelling "no". I can't even figure out if the change is in me or the store. Maybe it's both. And, if I really start thinking, I realize I'm lucky to have a full time job, and that I have lots to look forward to this summer, and that I'm lucky in general. Then I start dreading work. There are several things that have been almost continuously running through my mind lately. Leaving Bon-Ton is one of them. *takes a deep breath* I guess I just have to keep telling myslef that the end is in sight. It's not like I don't know when I'll get to leave. And there is nothing they can do to keep me there or ever make me come back!